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Full name: Ren Hoëk. 
Known aliases: Ren , Commander Hoëk, Robin Hoëk, Marlin Hoëk, Mad Dog Hoëk, Farmer Ren, Three-Fingered Ren, Ace Fisherman Hoëk. Nationality: Mexican. Address: No fixed abode, apartment #317, Toecheese, Illinois, USA. Age: Ten; or seventy in people years. Height: Short. And when we say short, we mean short. 
Weight: Scrawny. Species: Pedigree asthma-hound chihuahua. Appearance: Sort of yellow. Sort of orange. Distinguishing marks: Shifty eyes. Stands on two legs. Temperament: Psychotic, volatile, hairtrigger temper. Voice: Part Canadian, part horrible, part Peter Lorre. Typical sayings: 'You eediot!' 'You feelthy swine!' 'You sick leetle monkey, Stimpy!' 'All my opera records! All my books!' 'I will keel you, Stimpy - no! No! I know what I will do! I'll feex you! I'll feex you good! Oh boy, are yooou gonna suffer... Ahha ha ha ha ha!' Goes on a bit, doesn't he?: Tell us about it! Habits: Slapping Stimpy (see record 0898-USA#1-23243-CAT S). Political beliefs: Capitalist. Known associates: Stimpy, Mr Horse, Svën Hoëk, Powdered Toastman, Mom and Dad. Status: Under surveillance. Reasons for surveillance: Associating with dangerous traitors. Does he suspect we had JFK assassinated?: He says he doesn't. Comments: He's got a good accent for an American. N.B. We owe him five bucks.
Full name: Stimpson J Cat. Known aliases: Stimpy, Cadet Stimpy, Stupid the Kid, Maid Moron, Killer Kadoogan, Dr Stupid. Nationality: American. 
Address: Wandering the streets. Age: Two and a half. And in cat years?: Erm, add eleven, divide by 28, add subject's shoe size, multiply by either 4 or 107, carry the three . . . erm, We'll get back to you, once we've worked out which of his nine lives he's up to. 
Height: Two lines. Shape: Kidney bean. Species: Fat dumb cat. Appearance: Fat. dumb. Cat-like. Distinguishing marks: Blue nose. Tongue. Dumb smile. No neck. Temperament: Slow, Whining, Dumb. Voice: Slow, Whining, Dumb. Typical sayings: 'Joy!' 'Happy happy, joy joy!' 'Happy happy happy, joy joy joy!' Habits: Whining slowly and being dumb. Coughing up hairballs. Listening to the 'Happy Happy Joy Joy' song. Dancing to the 'Happy Happy Joy Joy' song over and over. The boys in survillance are begging us to turn down the volume on the bugs. Political beliefs: Claims to prefer Gritty Kitty to politics. Known associates: Ren, Muddy Mudskipper, Mr Horse, Svën Hoëk, Powdered Toastman, Mom and Dad. Status: TRAITOR!!! Reasons for surveillance: Can't tell you. Why not?: Its a secret, silly. Aw, go on. I'll be your friend: Oh, very well. An anonymous source (see record 0898-USA#1-23242-HOËK R) has, for a modest reward, told us that Stimpson J Cat is a dangerous subversive who threatens to sell the secrets of our proud nation to foreign powers, thus undermining our world leadership. He's a spy! And an ugly one too! Does he suspect we built Stonehenge to attract UFOs from Mars?: Probably. Comments: The slow, whining, dumb exterior of this feline obviously hides a mind of devious criminal cunning. Watch him like a Hoëk, woah! I mean, hawk, and if he puts a foot wrong, grab him.
Full name: Powdered Toastman. 
Known aliases: Classified. Nationality: Red-blooded American. Address: Wherever powdered toast is needed. Occupation: Freelance superhero. Distinguishing marks: Huge pectoral muscles. Glittering Vitamin F force-field. Wears underwear outside clothes. Head looks like two pieces of toast. Temperament: Fully in control. Voice: Masculine.
Typical sayings: 'Out of powdered toast? Leave everything to me!' Habits: Fighting for truth, justice and the American breakfast. Political beliefs: Capitalist. Known associates: Ren, Stimpy, Muddy Mudskipper, the President, glamorous assistant. Status: Absolute trust. Reasons for surveillance: It makes great TV. Does he suspect we sank Atlantis?: He sank it for us. Comments: Hero of millions.
Full name: Mister Horse. Known aliases: The Horse. 
Nationality: American. Address: The stable. Occupation: Consumer spokesman. Distinguishing marks: Mane. Tail. You know, a horse? Voice: Unremarkable. Typical sayings: 'No sir, I don't like it.' Habits: Not liking things. Vices: Suspected hay abuse. Political beliefs: Doesn't sit on the fence. Jumps over it. Known associates: Mrs Sheep, horse thieves, Stimpy, an anonymous walrus. Status: Keep under observation. Reasons for surveillance: When asked what he thought of truth, justice and the American breakfast, thought for a moment and replied, 'No sir, I don't like it.' Does he suspect we're the Illuminati?: Well, if he did, he wouldn't like it. Comments: Mostly harmless.
Full name: Log. Known aliases: Action log, Log for Girls and 007 Log. Nationality: Red-sapped American. 
Address: Homes all over the world. Occupation: Children's toy. Distinguishing marks: Bark. Grain. Knots. Temperament: The strong, silent type. Voice: Never been heard to speak. Habits: Entertaining children of all ages. Political beliefs: Not known. Known associates: Children everywhere. Status: Treat with caution.
Reasons for surveillance: Too many unknowns. Does he suspect we caused the ozone hole by making underleg noises?: No Comments: You know, I used to have one of those when I was a kid.
Full name: Muddy Mudskipper. Known aliases: Arnold Q. Mudskipper. Nationality: Cold-blooded American. 
Address: Plaiceland, Tennessee. Occupation: Television personality and freelance villain. Distinguishing marks: Segmented eyes. Is that all?: OK, so he's a fish. Flippers, tail, the works. Whaddaya want us to say? Temperament: Short-tempered. Likes to get his own way. Surly. Voice: Sarcastic, with Brooklyn accent. Typical sayings: 'Ya lousy bum!' 'I crawled out of the mud to get where i am.' Habits: Starring in his own TV show. Kidnapping small guys in pointy hats. Political beliefs: Opportunist.
Known associates: Stimpy, the funny little man in the white pointy hat, Powdered Toastman. Status: Probably a dangerous liberal, like most of those pinko Hollywood types. Reasons for surveillance: I'm his biggest fan. Does he suspect we steal candy from small children?: No Comments: Hero of millions. |